Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Being a parent isn't easy!

Last night was a really rough night...

It started on Sunday night when I had an epiphany. Oliver has begun to literally scream everytime I walk out of the room. I have seen it happen to countless kids I've babysat for in the past. Mom and Dad leave and baby is super upset. They always calm down within a few minutes, and having witnessed this, I thought no big deal. I can certainly handle this with my own child. Oliver didn't develop a serious attachment to me early. This is something that has creeped up in the last couple of weeks. Charlie has been trying to console him if I leave the room, but it doesn't work. If I go to switch laundry, start dinner, even go to the bathroom, he just screams....and I mean really cries - full tears and all. At bedtime, he has recently started waking up screaming around 11pm. I'd pick him up and fall back asleep instantly. I'd rock him and snuggle with him thinking that was all he needed. I'd lay him back down and as soon as he realized I wasn't holding him...commence screaming again. Seriously...after dealing with that for a few weeks and not being able to sleep until 1:30-2am, I can't take it anymore. So, Sunday I fed him, got him to sleep and he went to bed. 11pm, as if on cue, he woke up. I got him up, hugged him, rocked him, and he fell asleep. I laid him down and he instantly woke up. So I let him stay in the crib and cry. I checked on him occasionally, which actually just made it worse. Hearing how he'd cry when I left the room made me feel like I was abandoning him. Part of the problem is he wouldn't lay down, so I continually would lay him down. Well, his resolve was stronger than mine because after nearly 3 hours I gave in, picked him up, put him in bed with me, waited for him to fall asleep and then moved him to the crib.

So last night, I started earlier. I fed Oliver, and while he was still awake, put him in the crib and walked out of the room. He cried so hard and I really did feel like the worst person in the world. He sounded like he was going to throw up he was crying so hard. How did I not see his attachment to me getting this severe? I wanted him to love me, but I never wanted him to want ONLY me all the time to the point where he won't even let Charlie hold him. Leaving him in there was so hard. Charlie put earphones in my ears and told me it would be ok. After 45 minutes of straight screaming, he finally started to settle down, and did finally fall asleep all by himself. I then continued to cry and cry and cry. How could I have done that to my baby boy?

I was dreading getting up this morning, but my fears were put to rest by a big smile from my sweet baby boy. Oliver was fine. He has been a little more mellow today but that's because he's tired and he's also ready for lunch as I type this. So off I go....time to feed him and then naptime. Hopefully tonight will be a little easier for the both of us.


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